dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
