If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Acid is not a monday night drug
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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