pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
