Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
