Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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