and you said cock pushups were impossible
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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