I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
