i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
