i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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