Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
