If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
