There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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