i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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