He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize