I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
