you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
