trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
