I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
