This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
