All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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