you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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