i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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