If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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