Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize