Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
