worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
