I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
