I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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