Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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