I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
