We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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