The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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