Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
