everyone is single if you try hard enough
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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