yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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