Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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