Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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