Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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