My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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