why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
