i was born a porn star she said
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
