Sry I called you an 8
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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