Where did you get a picture of my penis
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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