At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My vagina is very pro this idea
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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