Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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