Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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