Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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