If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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