I'm so fucking centered right now
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
