This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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