): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Randomize
