Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
