I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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