yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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