farters have to be the big spoon...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
