I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
