Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
