We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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