someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
