Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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