I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
