the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
