i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
