I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
