I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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