I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You ruined the universe
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
