Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
